Treguard: Congratulations team, it appears you are in Level 2. Level 2 is a bit more dangerous than Level 1, if that’s possible.
Eddie: Where am I?
Cauley: You’re in a dark room. It looks a little bit like the Thurs rune in structure.
Rolf: The tongue part is lit, and there’s a man in there.
Treguard: Now be alert team, this is Gahrl. I don’t think he would mislead you, but he cannot control the knowledge he receives. And be polite; he can be dangerous if you’re on the wrong side of him.
Gunnar: Eddie, walk forward.
Rolf: Stop. Turn to your right. Eddie, can you say “Greetings?”
Eddie: Greetings.
Gahrl: Hello there, stranger. Sit down. Now, why are you disturbing me?
Eddie: I’m on a quest to free a maid.
Gahrl: The foolish maid. Oblivious to danger; following her friend the crazy jester here. However, I am sick of this dark place. I once worshipped Mogdred, but I have seen who he truly is. He cares for nothing but suffering. Now, Eddie: Choose your runes. Feel their energies, find those which call you and place them where I tell you to.
(Eddie chooses a few runes)
Gahrl: On this level, there is a door that must be taken on the left. I don’t think it’s the first left you’ll see, but it may well be the second. You’ll need some items. I see a man ahead; I think he is a war criminal. He’s committed many atrocities, so be prepared for a bribe. Time yourself with care. There’s no way back. There’s a savage prowling around this level, and I’m not sure when you’ll meet him. Be prepared. The witch wants her soup, and you will need to give it. Beware the false floor. There’s an inscription on the wall which should be read. You cannot alter the obstacles that lie ahead. Leave me. You may meet me later, but not for a while. Farewell, Eddie.
Treguard: It may be dark, but my keen eyes see the table you have missed.
Cauley: It’s right opposite Gahrl. Eddie, turn round and walk forward.
Gunnar: Can you sees the tables?
Eddie: Yep. On it there’s a chocolate bar, a bag of dust, some claws and a swastika.
Cauley: Could the war criminal be a Nazi?
Rolf: I thought that as well. Eddie, take the Swastika. Should we also take the dust?
Eddie: What about the savage he mentioned? Those claws are shiny as new.
Gunnar: I agrees withs Eddie. Takes the claw.
Rolf: And put the chocolate bar in your knapsack. Now turn around. Walk forward. Stop. Turn 90 degrees left and go forward.
Eddie: Where am I?
Treguard: Caution team, this room is the Wall of Spears. Watch the spears and Eddie carefully – I wouldn’t think about one of them going through Eddie!
Rolf: Eddie, you’re in a square room with spears all over the walls. Every so often, they fire at the opposite wall. There are skulls everywhere in the room. You’ll need to follow my instructions very carefully, ok?
Eddie: I think you should look for patterns in their movement.
Gunnar: That spears to the lefts doesn’t moves I don’t thinks.
Rolf: Which means we can get safely in line with it.
(Pause)
Rolf: Eddie, when I say forward move one large step very quickly.
(Pause)
Rolf: NOW!
Cauley: We’re past that one. He’s right in line with one!
Rolf: Eddie, quickly sidestep to your left once!
Gunnar: He can’ts stay theres can he? Shoulds we risks a mad dash?
Cauley: Gunnar’s right. I think I’ve worked out a pattern.
Rolf: I agree. Eddie, run forward. Run to the hills and for our lives as well as your own!
(Eddie runs forward)
Gunnar: Sidesteps once to your rights, quickly. Keeps sidestepping rights. Stop. Walk forward.
Eddie: Where am I?
Gunnar: You’re in a rooms with a doors on the lefts and one on the right. There’s a mans in the rooms, and he look fairlys dangerous.
Cauley: That man looks like a Nazi to me.
Treguard: Caution team, this man is dangerous indeed. I believe his name is Sturma Liebschraffen. He has killed many in a past war, and I’m sure he won’t hesitate to do the same to you.
Rolf: Greet the man, but be careful. We think he’s a Nazi.
Eddie: Greetings.
Sturma Liebschraffen (very severely): Who are you? Why do you disturb me?!
Eddie: I’m on a quest to free a maid.
Cauley: Tell him you honor Jeff Schoep.
Rolf and Gunnar: What?
Cauley: I used to be a supporter of a Neo-Nazi organisation. I’m not anymore, but I remember the name well.
Eddie (Nazi salute): Heil Jeff Schoep!
Sturma Liebschraffen: You know him. My hope in a world far from here. In this forbidden world, there is no hope. Now, I will ask you three questions about the Nazis, and you must answer all three truthfully. Ignorance of my master will result in death! Here is my first: Name the Angel of Death; he who conducted many wonderful experiments on villains.
Rolf: I saw Slayer live in 2007. Was his name Auschwitz?
Cauley: The Angel of Death was Joseph Mengele. Say that, Eddie.
Eddie: Joseph Mengele!
Sturma Liebschraffen: Truth Accepted! Here is my second: Why did we want to increase the size of Germany?
Eddie: Living Space.
Cauley: NO!!!! Eddie, say Liebenschraum!
Eddie (very quickly): Lieschbenraum!
Sturma Liebschraffen: How dare you insult my master?! If only Auschwitz was still inhabited…
Eddie: I have a swastika for you.
Sturma Liebschraffen: Are you trying to bribe me? That is an insult!
Eddie: It’s not a bribe. It’s a present!
Sturma Liebschraffen: If it’s a present, I’ll take it. I think it’s a bribe as well though. Die in the name of Hitler, loose tongued fool!
Rolf: Eddie, give him the finger and run!
Gunnar: Isn’t hes going to hits the walls?
(Eddie hits a wall)
Gunnar: Eddie, sidesteps to your rights. Turn rounds. Runs forwards. Turns lefts and escapes!
Rolf: Phew. That was a close call.
Eddie: Where am I?
Rolf: You’re in a-
Treguard: Caution team, this is a dwarf tunnel. I think we’ll see many of them in this area. There may be a dwarf around here.
Gunnar: Eddie has a fetishes for dwarf doesn’t he?
Rolf: No. It’s elves he’s obsessed with.
Gunnar (slightly embarassed): Eddie, you’re in a dwarf tunnel. Keep going forwards. Okay then. You’re almost at the end of the tunnel.
(Eddie exits the tunnel)
Rolf: Eddie-
Eddie: Where am I?
Rolf: You’re in a small room. There’s two doors; one to the left and one to the right. I don’t think there’s anything in the room.
Eddie: Is this the second left since Gahrl?
Gunnar: I believes it is.
Rolf (whispering but shouting): Get him out through the left!
Gunnar: Okay Eddie. Walk forward three steps. Sidestep to your left until you reach the door.
(Eddie returns into another tunnel)
Gunnar: You’ve just gones back into a dwarfs tunnels. Keeps goings forward.
(Eddie exits the tunnel)
Eddie: Where am I?
Rolf: You’re in a small room and there’s a dark dwarf in there. There are a lot of tables and weapons in there.
Dark Dwarf: Away from me, intruder. Leave me to my crafts.
Rolf: Eddie, turn to your left. Tell him you’re not an intruder, but are here to free a maid.
Eddie: I’m not an intruder, I’m here to free a maid.
Dark Dwarf: A dungeoneer, eh? Well, you’re from Midgard but where am I from?
Gunnar: Eddie, say Svartalfheim.
Eddie: Svartalfheim.
Dark Dwarf: At least you have knowledge. Well then, I’ll give you a spell. It’s called TRUTH. Answer this: I crafted a torture device. There’s a door in it and on its hidden side there’s some spikes. Name this device.
Eddie: Iron Maiden!
Dark Dwarf: Indeed. And Iron Maiden is in fact the first step.
Eddie: Thanks for the advice.
Dark Dwarf: Now leave me to my crafts. You may be knowledgeable but you’re time-wasting.
Rolf: Eddie, turn to your right. Sidestep to your right once. Walk forward.
(another dwarf tunnel)
Cauley: It looks like you’ve just entered another tunnel. You’re in the middle of it this time and we can’t see how long it is. Turn to your right and walk forward.
(Eddie walks to the end)
Treguard: Unfortunate, team. It looks like there’s no door here.
Rolf: Eddie, turn around and walk forwards. We’ve guided you the wrong way.
Treguard: It looks like a savage has found Eddie.
Savage: Grrrrrr!!! Hunger!!!!
Gunnar: Eddie, drops the claw in fronts of you. Sidesteps to your rights twice.
(the savage moves towards the claws and not Eddie)
Gunnar: The savages is movings towards the claw rather than you. Runs forward!
Eddie: Where am I?
Gunnar: You’re in a rooms with a Vikings. He appear to be advancings.
Treguard: This is Olaf. I really hoped I wouldn’t see this Scandinavian tourist, but here he is nonetheless.
Gunnar: Eddie, tell him the lines of The Pursuit of Vikings.
Rolf: Not yet.
Olaf: Be haltings, strange persons. Loot, pillage or kill!
Eddie: You forgot rape.
Olaf: Loot, pillage, rape or kill!
Eddie: None of those. Odin! Guide our ships, our axes, spears and swords! Guide us through storms that whip, and in brutal war!
Olaf: Follower of Odin!
Treguard: Olaf isn’t particularly clever; let’s just say that.
Gunnar: Eddie, tricks him into a ruses.
Eddie: In Odin’s name, I need to get past you.
Olaf: Olaf would always let a followers of Odin through! Now, the second steps is Amon Amarth.
Rolf: His English is better than yours, Gunnar.
Gunnar: Shut ups, Rolf!
Treguard: Hurry now team, your life force is low.
Gunnar: Eddie, there’s some dried fish just to your right. Turn right and kneel down. Place it in your knapsack.
Rolf: Okay Eddie, turn back to your left. Walk forward until I say stop. Stop. Sidestep to your right. And again. And again. Once more. Walk forward.
Eddie: Where am I?
Gunnar: You’re in a bare room. There’s quite a few doors and they’ve all got portcullises on. There appears to be a mattress made of nails in one corner.
(Mogdred appears)
Mogdred: Well, well, if it isn’t Eddie. You’ve done well to come this far, I must say. But as you can see, the doors ahead are locked.
Eddie (rebelliously): I think you’re a sadistic bastard. Open a door for me or I’ll open it myself. (Gunnar and Rolf laugh.)
Mogdred: I do not fall for insults or threats. What could you possibly do to me, puny one? This is one of Mogdred’s little playpens. The inhabitant will soon return – what can you possibly do? He has no fear. Join me; we do not believe in fear or petty restrictions. We live in total freedom, and are far stronger than humans. Foolish mortal (laughs hysterically).
Eddie (shouting really loud): I really don’t think all the doors are truly locked.
Rolf: Spellcasting T-R-U-T-H!
(a door opens)
Mogdred: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! (disappears)
Treguard: I think the inhabitant will soon be returning. Hurry now, before he does.
Gunnar: Eddie, one of the door has opened. Sidestep to your lefts. Walks forward.
Rolf: Take a small sidestep to your left. Now walk forward.
Eddie: Where am I?
Gunnar: Eddie, you’re ins a small rooms with some kinds of a bikers.
Rolf: I think he might be a Hells Angel.
Biker: Who are you? And why do you disturb my sleep?
Eddie: I’m a dungeoneer.
Biker: What’s your name then, intruder?
Eddie: I’m Eddie.
Biker: Eddie? Last time I knew, there was a Bandido named Eddie.
Cauley: Eddie, tell him you’ve always hated the Bandidos.
Eddie: I’ve always hated the Bandidos.
Biker: You look just like him to me.
Eddie: I once met a Bandido. He was an ugly **** who was overweight. He threatened me and got a good asskicking.
(The advisors all laugh)
Biker: Well, if that’s so I will help you. I miss my horse and am stuck here.
Eddie: You might also want to know that I like Saxon.
Biker: Saxon, eh? I always loved the band. In fact, the third step is Saxon-
Gunnar: This is the mosts amazing quests ever.
Biker: Take the door on the right. You’ve met its occupant before. I’m gifting you a spell called AXE; you’ll need it. Now, off you go. Beat some more Bandidos for me, will you?
Eddie: Most definitely.
Biker: Good man.
Rolf: Eddie, sidestep to your left once. And again. Now walk forward.
Gunnar: Keeps sidestepping to your rights untils I say stop. Stop. Two step forwards and another sidesteps to the rights.
Eddie: Where am I?
Rolf: You’re in a room with a serpent. The serpent is strangling Velda, the elf we met earlier.
Eddie: Should we cast AXE?
Gunnar: Spellcastings A-X-E!
(the axe appears and begins chopping up the serpent)
Rolf: There’s a giant axe and it’s chopping up the serpent.
Eddie: I wish I could see that.
Gunnar: Eddie, it look likes you mights gets an elves.
Eddie: Can I take the helmet off?
Rolf: Don’t you dare! I can’t imagine what’ll happen next!
Treguard (laughing): I think it’s best we don’t know, team.
Velda: Eddie. I don’t know how I can thank you. The portal you mentioned – I did find it but it closed just as I was approaching it. I have been saved from my death. I will aid you for three rooms. When you are through three rooms I will go my own way. You are my friend, and we of the elven kin will be eternally gracious.
Rolf: Oh no.
Gunnar: The elf’ll soon chucks him outs of their kingdoms.
Eddie: Pleasure to have a friend.
Velda: Eddie, take my hand. The door to Level 3 is just here.
Eddie: Where am I?
Gunnar: It looks like you’re in a frozen room. There’s no life in the room. In one corner there’s a wellway.
Treguard: Indeed, team. There’s no life on Level 3, so this is a rather fitting room. However, there doesn’t seem to be any danger.
Velda: Eddie, there’s a large hole. I don’t think even an elf can jump it. Do you have any steps to this?
Eddie: Yes I do. I’ve got three.
Gunnar: The first steps is Iron Maiden.
Eddie (singing): Run to the hills! Run for your lives!
(first step appears)
Rolf: The second step is Amon Amarth.
Eddie: Raise your swords up high, hear the blackbirds cry!
(second step appears)
Cauley: The third step is Saxon.
Eddie: She’s got wheels, wheels of steel!
(third step appears)
Velda: Eddie, the steps have opened a path through the hole. Now follow me to the wellway.
Rolf: Get your ass in there.
Gunnar: Don’ts be so harsh on hims.
(Eddie climbs in)
Level 3:
Treguard: Levels 1 and 2 seemed dark enough, didn’t they? Welcome to Level 3, team.
Velda: I have never been to Level 3. This cursed place seems like hell itself. Utterly evil.
(a savage approaches)
Velda: Now Eddie, step back. I will take care of him.
(Velda fires a dagger which stuns the savage)
Eddie: You’re an amazing fighter. I could learn some dagger throwing skills from you.
Velda: Eddie, there’s two doors in this room. Which one should I take?
Rolf: Say “the one on the right.”
Eddie: The one on the right.
Velda: Very well.
(Velda moves Eddie forward)
Eddie: Where am I?
Velda: I think this is the Level 3 Clue Room. Let’s see what’s on the table.
(Velda inspects)
Velda: There’s a bone, there’s an orange,a green sheet of paper and a shield. I can give you one more clue before I return.
Eddie: First off, can I have the orange?
Velda: Here you go. I learned that there’s a dog on Level 3 somewhere. Anyhow, thank you very much. I look forward to seeing your quest succeed, and if anyone can do it it’s you. Now Eddie, you’re in the hands of your advisors. Farewell my friend.
Eddie: Farewell.
Treguard: Now listen team, I would choose carefully.
(Mogdred appears)
Mogdred: Welcome to Level 3 bold dungeoneer. (laughs) This is really getting tiresome. I enjoy watching fear. And now, I shall observe yours. And to you screen readers; I don’t worry about you. Those who aren’t brave enough to enter the dungeon must be scared to read of it. Come out, children of the Dystopia of Freedom!
Eddie: I think the shield would be more useful than green paper.
Cauley: I agree.
Rolf: Eddie, sidestep to your left once and run forward. There’s savages approaching from all corners of the room. Now sidestep to your right. Run forward. STOP! Sidestep to your right twice. Walk forward.
Eddie: Where am I?
Gunnar: Eddie, you’re ins a corridors. Savage are runnings through it.
Rolf: There seems to be a lot of blood in the corridor.
Treguard: Nowhere to hide here team; you’ll have to guide Eddie to clear parts of the corridor.
Rolf: Eddie, sidestep to your left.
Gunnar: Get to your rights, quicklys! Stay there!
Cauley: He needs to move right once these two are past.
Rolf: When I say “go” move all the way to the right hand wall. GO!
Cauley: Eddie, go all the way to the left. Quickly!
Gunnar: That one in the middles is movings faster. Eddie, takes one steps backward.
Rolf: Sidestep to your right very quickly. AND AGAIN!
(The savage touches Eddie and ferociously tears him with his claws. Mogdred appears, laughing like a maniac. The death bell sounds.)
Treguard: Ooh, nasty! It looks like Eddie is about to be torn apart. Whilst Eddie may be being picked at like pieces of mango in this world, he appears to have survived your world. Still, Level 3 is undisputedly difficult and you’ve done well to get this far. Spellcasting U-N-I-T-E.
Rolf: Ed’s dead!
Gunnar: Don’t rubs it in, Rolf.
Rolf: I wanted a go on the maid.
Gunnar: So dids I.
(Cauley says nothing)
Please tell me what you think of this, of the team, the individual rooms and the generally darker theme. Would you say the darkness is enhanced well enough?