Jester's Corner

And here are the Toother-Karlsoff-Confujan triplets: Welcome, Roger, Sophie, Lucian.

[image: mr+mrs_grimwold.jpg] I know where to put this Grimmy dear!

I declare this thread the winner of the Thread Necromancy prize. Exhumed not once, but twice! Besides, throwing pies into Elita's mouth is like shooting fish in a barrel... with a bazooka.

"CUT!" cries the producer. "That's just nonsense. Powers like these don't come from the throat. They come... from within. All the dungeoneer needs to do is find a calm, steady centre, and to believe the effects of the spell are happening. And then they'll happen. Let's go again." Didn't that happen a couple of times in series four?

Outrageous. I can't imagine where you got the idea for such obscenity. Looks innocent. Here's a clean one;- What's the difference between a large body of water below the Tower of Time, and Hordriss' perspective of Sidriss the Confused? One is Dunswater, the other is One's Daughter. Actually, the dirty ones are funnier.

THE LONGEST SUCCESSFUL ATTEMPT TO DIS-SPELLING *During Nel's adventure in level 2 (Season 2), he emerge out of the mountain with a wooden path leading to the next room. Before Nel's advisers guides him accross...Mogdred cackles over the dungeoneer and paralized Treguard. Instead of killing Nel on the spot, he desides to "SHROUD" him instead making him invisble. The team just wondered...what should they do? So, one decides to dis-spell Mogdred's spell...but nothing happened. As the team continues to dispell SHROUD...without an "O"...Nel's just stands there wondering what on Earth is going on? As Treguard moans a (curtain) letter at the team...they realized what when wrong and successfully dispelled Mogdred's spell as he disappeared, able to continue their quest as Nel just wondering..."Can't they dispell it right?"*

Replace Smirky with a pic of Jeremy G and you've got KMRPG Tips. Oh the puns...

HAHA! Oh thats amazing

And the others?

[Originally posted on Sunday 11 February 2007, 19:48] Inspired by recent weather... [Dungeoneer Ben (Team 4 of Series 5) is in Winteria. The wolf howl sound effect is heard.] Pickle: White wolves, Master! Treguard: Wolves are wolves, Pickle. Adding 'white' to the beginning just because there's snow around is silly. [Merlin appears, with his customary streak of light, swigging from a large bottle of cheap cider.] Pickle: White Lightning, Master! [The Dreaded Khar from Series 3 rises out of the snow, singing 'Here I Go Again'.] Pickle: White snake, Master! [Khar begins to shake, turns very pale, groans "Ooooh... Caaaay..." and combusts, leaving the words 'Welcome 1900' floating in the air.] Pickle: White Oo-Cay Virus, Master! Treguard: Oh, Pickle, enough! [Brother Mace enters, moaning about his Chardonnay.] Pickle: White whine, Master! [A female horse gallops across the scene.] Pickle: White maaare! It's a white maaare! Treguard: We are never sending a dungeoneer to Winteria again! [Ben continues into an area where Series 2's Bumptious is reading a Games Workshop periodical.] Pickle: White Dwarf, Master! [Treguard sighs. Bumptious goes over to join six of his friends, who are building a cavernwight out of available resources.] Pickle: Snow Wight and... Treguard: Yes, I can guess the rest! Just one more, Pickle, for goodness' sake! [Series 7's Barry appears, singing 'You're The First, The Last, My Everything'.] Pickle: [Shrugs] Don't know what to do with that one. Treguard: My name is not Treguard. Brother Mace: My name is not Brother Mace. Motley: My name ain't Motley. ...and so on. Three years ago in this thread, I contributed Knightmare versions of many Fast Show characters/moments. Here is one I didn't think of at the time: Lord Fear: Meee, the Thirteenth Lord of Feeear? Surrender? With my reputation? You must be out of your tiny mind! [It is some time after the end of Series 6. Skarkill, whose legs are better after a period of convalescence, enters the Black Tower of Goth. Lord Fear and a stand-in assistant are there.] Lord Fear: Ah, Skarkill, you've returned. I can get rid of the locum. Baldrick! Baldrick: Sir? Lord Fear: Now it's your turn to take some sick leave. Baldrick: But I'm in perfect health, Sir! Lord Fear: Let me explain. You make me sick. Leave. Baldrick: Oh. [Shuffles out.] Skarkill: Hehe, magnificent. Lord Fear: Ew. Now, Skarkill, first thing's first: as a welcome-back present, I've got you a brand new eye. The eye of a hawk. Skarkill: Most kind, yer Fearship... er, Lordship. I might rename meself: Hawkeye. Hehe, superb. Lord Fear: What's more, I have a new seneschal on the way, courtesy of the Atlantean Royal Society of Elders, so I'm reassigning you. Since Captain Nemanor was accidentally brutally eaten by his hat last week, you're to take over command of the Cloudwalker. Skarkill: I'm honoured! Hawkeye, Captain of the Opposition Flagship Cloudwalker! Hehe, tremendous. Lord Fear: Oh, a couple of points. First, I've been told by the Atlanteans to expect a tuna fanatic. So the Cloudwalker is to become a fishing vessel. Skarkill: A fish ship, Fearship? Lord Fear: And that hawk's eye I mentioned - I don't actually know what bird it's from. Skarkill: So that'll make me... Baldrick: [Running back in] Captain Birdseye! Skarkill: That's it, yer Lordship, I've 'ad enough! Spellcasting... Lord Fear: A spell! Oh I'm so scared. Whatever could it be? Another SPLASH spell? A curse of fatal death, perhaps? Go on, Skarkill, I can't wait to find out. And good luck with the spelling part, I know it's not your strong suit. Skarkill: ...S-W-I-T-C-H! [Lord Fear turns into Patsy from Absolutely Fabulous.] Skarkill: Hehehehehe! Lumley.

Dooreen is stuck on box 25 and you won't be able to open it unless you get all three true/false questions right. No questions were suggested... Behind door 25... a chocolate model of Father Christmas climbing down a wellway, whilst wearing the original Helmet of Justice and a knapsack full of presents.

Tommy Boyd [voiceover]: First into the Dragons' Den is Merlin. He wants 50,000 groats to market his invention, the Knapsack: a bag that converts food into energy without the need for eating. [Merlin enters a cave. Inside, five dragons - Bealwit, Owen, Smirkenorff, Red Death, Firestorm of Marblehead - are sitting on treasure heaps. They eye Merlin impatiently.] Merlin: Hello, dragons. My name is, er... erm... Tommy Boyd [voiceover]: It's a bad start. Nerves and senility are getting the better of Merlin, and he's forgotten his name. Can he recapture the dragons' interest, and gain their investment? [Merlin remembers his name, then explains how the Knapsack works. The dragons ponder it.] Red Death: Hello, Merlin, I'm Red. Let me just tell you where I am: I don't believe that this product is going to sell, and so I won't be investing today. Bealwit: Merlin, you say that this Knapsack removes the need for chewing and digesting. How does that affect toilet habits? [Merlin falls into a confused silence.] Tommy Boyd [voiceover]: Bealwit has uncovered a flaw in the product. With Merlin unable to explain how other bodily habits are affected by the Knapsack, Owen is ready to show his hand. Owen: If you think that anyone is going to buy this product, and stop tasting food, then I'm afraid you're rather ignorant. I'm out. Tommy Boyd [voiceover]: While I get paid for stating the obvious and ruining the tension, Red Death and Owen are out. Smirkenorff decides to get down to financial matters. Smirkenorff: Merlin, I'm most keen to hear what your sales figures are to date. Merlin: Er... I need my financial advisor to answer that. Bealwit: Sure, call your advisor. Merlin: Treguard, Treguard, Treguard, come! [Treguard appears. He then proceeds to explain that no Knapsacks have been sold - they've been given away free to about 70 children. There are sharp intakes of breath from the dragons.] Firestorm: It doesn't sound like you actually want this to be a successful business. Merlin: No, no, I... Firestorm: Sorry, I'm out. Tommy Boyd [voiceover]: Three dragons are out. Now Merlin's only hopes for investment lie with Bealwit and Smirkenorff. Bealwit: Quite frankly, I don't know what makes you think this is an investible proposition. You must have come out of the Dark Ages. I also will not be investing. Smirkenorff: You're not going to make any money. If you'd come to us with a shield that sees, or a wand that opens doors, then perhaps I'd be investing in you. But this isn't an idea that will make you a mint, and it wouldn't make me one either. I'm out. [Merlin and Treguard trudge out of the cave, as the dragons mutter to each other.] [Originally posted Thu 19 Oct '06, 19:06] Treguard: I have a Knightmare that one day this realm will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "The only way is onward, there is no turning back." I have a Knightmare that one day on the red rocks of Bruin the elves of former Dungeon Masters and the Atlanteans of former technomancers will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood. I have a Knightmare that one day even the town of Wolfenden, a town sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice. I have a Knightmare that four little children will one day quest in a realm where they will not be judged by the number of their series but by the content of their character. I have a Knightmare today. I have a Knightmare that one day, down in Goth, with its vicious goblins, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Goth, little elf boys and elf girls will be able to join hands with little mireboys and miregirls as sisters and brothers. I have a Knightmare today. [With apologies to Martin Luther King.]

And I'm back. No Olafs, unfortunately - there are a lot of very hairy men in Norway, but none of them are as ginger as Olaf. Still, the rest of the trip made up for that minor disappointment...

Time out has just ended. Motley bumps into Mellisandre.] Motley: Melly! Are you ever a sight for sore eyes! Let me look at you! Melly: Motley, are you alright? You're acting like you haven't seen me in a week. Motley: I 'aven't. [They move closer... suddenly there's a sonic boom, and a mine-cart appears in the room. Merlin jumps out. The cart has been customised with an array of egg-timers, and says 'Tower Of Time Enterprises' on the side.] Merlin: Motley, you must come with me, back to the future! Motley: M, Melly and I were... Merlin: Well, bring her along. This concerns her, too. [Gestures for them to climb into the cart. They do so.] Motley: What do you mean? What happens? Does something 'appen to us? Do we turn into Gibbets or something? Merlin: You and Melly turn out fine. But your kids, Motley. Something's got to be done about your kids! And Fidjit. [Climbs into the cart.] Right, here we go. Motley: You'd better back this thing up, M. We ain't got any track to get up to 88. Merlin: Where we're going, we don't need tracks. Spellcasting! F! L! U! X! [The cart speeds into the air, then disappears in a white flash.]

Lissard: Lord Fear would sssseee you now Misssstressss Greystagg: Show me in slimy fool Lissard: What? You want to see his grimy tool? Greystagg: That's just a rhyme sinister! Lissard: Well at leassst he's not the Prime Minisssster! Maldame: You still think you have a chance with him don't you? Lissard: Lissten up you ...witch he'ssss mine! *slap Treguard advises in the infamous sweeping scene of Series 7, Team 5: "Now can anybody tell me if dust is worth looking at.. Or no to that? Anybody? No? Dust? Anybody? No? Dust? Anybody? No? Dust? Anybody? No? Dust? Well, dust is actually consealing that.. So you sweep as much as you like!"

In honour of this fine topic exceeding 5000 views... [A new team has assembled in the antechamber. The dungeoneer has the helmet on and is ready to begin.] Treguard: Team, instead of sending you on a conventional quest, I'm taking a leaf out of my friend Neil Buchanan's book. It's time to raid some chambers, because it's our Dungeon! Whose Dungeon? Advisors: OUR DUNGEON! Treguard: Here's your first clue. Succeed here, and you may enter Storey One. [He unrolls a scroll and reads from it.] 'If you find this, you'll get some stick, but you can do some magic tricks.' [He turns over an egg-timer.] Go! Advisor #1: Wand! It's a wand! [The advisors frantically shout instructions at the dungeoneer, who stumbles around the room, upturning all the furniture. The Watchers see a floating skull with an arrow through it, pointing at the floor behind Treguard's chair.] Gwendoline: After sifting through hundreds of hours of Eyeshield footage, I am pleased to announce that the Greenwardens have apprehended the Assassins who've been killing deer in the Greenwood. Aesandre: Hello, girls! Welcome to the first rehearsal for the second annual Miss Frostbite Beauty Contest. I know you've all got what it takes to be winners, just as long as you don't make the same slip-ups as Elita, last year's Miss Frostbite: she was so shocked to win that she hardly looked proud, didn't smile enough, and gave us hardly any tears. So when you're up on that stage, looking and feeling your best, be prepared to win prouder, win smilier, and win tearier! [Originally posted Thursday 19 January 2006, 15:00] A Knightmare/Friends crossover...think of the possibilities! [The Crazed Heifer. In one corner are a sofa and some armchairs, clustered around a low table. Gretel is furiously scrubbing it, while Folly looks on.] Folly: [Histrionically, with flailing arms] Could that table be any cleaner?? If cleanliness is next to godliness, then the gods are like, "O, Great Gretel! We shall worship you, name our children after you, and sacrifice soap in your honour!" Gretel: Vinegar would be more effective. It kills 9 out of 10 germs. They must have some vinegar. Have they got any vinegar here? [Sidriss, who is sitting at the front of the tavern holding a lute, begins to perform.] Sidriss: [Singing] Skeletron, Skel-e-tron, why aren't they feeding you? [Motley and Mellisandre have been having an argument on the sofa.] Motley: WE WERE ON A BREAK! [Motley stands up and walks out. Mellisandre huffs and folds her arms. Ridolfo, who's been sitting on one of the armchairs (he's been performing in Days With Your Wives, but it's his day off), moves next to Mellisandre.] Ridolfo: How you doin'?

Nice Billy, does anyone else have any more ideas? My mind is a total blank at the moment

Good idea: flying on the back of Smirkenorff to reach Level 2. Bad idea: flying on a magic carpet to see the King Of The Potato People, and beg for your freedom... and you're telling me you're completely sane? I think that calls for two hours of W.O.O. 'What happens to spying dungeoneers who've been spying, Mr Flibble?' 'Lord Fear fries them alive with his hex vision!' Anyway, back on topic: Good idea: Giving Elita the gem she obviously wants. Bad idea: Taking half the program to decide to do so.

Where'd you get this from... and is it available anywhere?

[Inspired by the fact that you would see Acme products, falling anvils and big round bombs in the Dungeon...] Skarkill enters a room, dressed as Elmer Fudd. A dungeoneer is hiding. Skarkill: Be vewy, vewy, quiet. I'm hunting dungeoneers! Dungeoneer: Peeping out I tawt I taw a goblin master. Steps out of hiding for a closer look I did! I did taw a goblin master! Skarkill gets ready to clap his irons on the dungeoneer. Dungeoneer: Spellcasting, A-N-V-I-L! *An anvil appears and falls on Skarkill. The Dungeoneer runs out of the room. In the next room, a clue room, is some food - a carrot. Sly Hands enters, wearing a cowboy hat, sporting a large moustache and brandishing a pistol.* Dungeoneer: Picking up the carrot What's up, Doc? Yosemite Sly: Hold it, you varmint! *The dungeoneer picks up an Acme Persuader from the clue table, and bangs it. A giant hammer appears, hitting Sly on the head and knocking him out. The dungeoneer leaves. The next room is a bomb room. Lord Fear is waiting.* Dungeoneer: Meep meep! *The dungeoneer runs towards the door. Lord Fear tries to cut him off with a fireball, but it misses, brushing against the fuse of the bomb. As the fuse burns low, the dungeoneer gets out of the room. Lord Fear looks plaintively at the camera. The bomb goes off, filling the room with smoke. When it clears, we see a singed Lord Fear. He silently holds up a sign that reads: 'Ooh, nasty!' That's all, folks!*